Calling it pain is a gross understatement. The words "fear" or "abuse" don’t even come close. A twisted life of psychological terror and sadistic physical cruelty may be somewhere near the truth but even then not completely accurate.
Being a kid in my house was tough. One never knew who would be next, what they were in for or why. Some called it “walking on eggshells”. But to me it was more like treading in a cesspool of churning gut rot and we were held captive there for years. There was never a break and there was indeed vile danger for us all. The physical brutality was torture enough, but in the end it was the emotional trauma left in its wake that truly imprisoned us.
We were inferior to him. We were his garbage possessions. We were worthless and we all knew it. We heeded his chilling threat that if we told anyone, disobeyed him or ran, he would hunt us down and either kill us or make our lives a living hell. This living hell he promised was not far from the truth.
Perfecting his psychotic mind games as only a master could, my self-esteem was stripped from my branches and used as kindling for the raging inferno that stoked his mental illness. Beaten into submission day after day, year after year, I came to know my lowly place on this planet.
At the age of 20, I collapsed unconscious on the floor. I'd been strangled and beaten within an inch of my life "again". I was barely breathing. My body throbbed from the repeated heavy wallops I'd somehow earned that day. My spirit was crushed and I'd finally hit bottom. I didn't know much at that moment as he towered over my blood on the floor. But what I did know was the next time it happened he would truly kill me.
I was half way through college without a dime to my name. I had no support on the outside and thus nowhere to go yet I knew I couldn't stay. With the strength I had left I dragged myself to the car, fell in behind the wheel and backed out of the driveway. It was official. I was finally free but I was also broke and homeless.
In the time that followed I realized that surviving the abuse was actually the easy part. With years of dysfunction at the forefront of my mind every aspect of my life then spun out of control as I tried to make my way in a world I knew nothing about. I was terrified of everything and nothing came easy. Then at 3:00 a.m. on a Wednesday morning in April the phone rang. It was a call that chills me to the bone to this very day. It was one of those pivotal phone calls that sharply remind you that before it came your problems were nothing! My father’s voice quivered through the receiver explaining that there had been a car crash and explosion on the highway and that he couldn't find my brother David. In spite of everything I'd endured to that moment I’d never known such terror as I hung on my father's every word. Two days later it was confirmed by dental records and nothing came close to how much this loss hurt. My gut felt like bleeding, raw flesh. My heart had been carved from my chest. For months after the accident my body coped with the severe distress through vomiting and violent convulsions. That numbing phone call at 3:00 a.m. changed my life forever. It changed my purpose. It changed my destiny. It totally changed my views on life for it nearly caused me to end my own.
If life on this planet is indeed meant for our soul growth and we grow richly from adversity and failure, I felt I’d been fast tracking in the accelerated course. That black cloud of impending doom would not journey on. It stayed and stayed hovering over the remains of my family for what seemed like an eternity. Surely it wasn’t intended for us to be in that much emotional pain and turmoil forever. There just had to be more. There had to be a life that didn't hurt quite so much. There just had to be something better, something more meaningful. Pain could simply not be the basis of our existence for if was then I was ready to throw in the towel and forfeit the rest of the game.
Since then, I have trudged miles on the road of recovery. Life can be a wonderful, fulfilling experience with more joy and abundance than you can imagine! The perfect health is here! The success and money are here! The loving relationships are here! It’s all right there and there’s plenty of it! More than enough for everyone!
Restoring your belief system to its original divine certainty of how truly great you are can take some time. For some of us, depending upon the severity of damage that was done, it may take longer than for others. But I commit to you it is very possible!
If I can do it then so can you!